Life Happens

Hi Friends,


After 14 months and hours of anxiety later, I am finally into another chapter of this book called Life.  A life-changing event happened to me those long 14 months ago...almost as significant as the birth of my son.  I was involved in a tragic accident that cost a life, changed lives and has brought me to many hours of trying to come to terms with the whole thing.  I struck a pedestrian with my car, and she died.

My friends & family have rallied behind me, comforting me, telling me "shit happens," it was an accident.  An accident.  The courts have accepted my guilt, fined me $1000 plus a 15% "victims of crime" surcharge and relieved me of my drivers licence for 3 months.  I am assured I am not a criminal, just a distracted driver apparently.  So I am going to just sit down and write about what happened, in the hopes of allowing me to forgive myself.


October 3, 2009

On this sunny morning, bright & early at 8:00 a.m., I was driving to the hospital for a pre-natal ultrasound.  Given that I had developed pre-eclampsia, I was undergoing regular fetal screening and blood pressure tests.  The sun had just risen over an apartment building in the foreground and as I entered the right-hand turn lane, an elderly woman entered the crosswalk.  I did not see her, blinded by the sun.  Even at 20 km/hr, it was enough for her to land on my hood and fall to the asphalt.  I will never forget the falling feeling in my heart when I made eye contact with her before she slid off the hood.  I will never forget the sound of my own voice that cried out "No!"  It sounded like it came from someone else in the car, but it had to be mine, as I was alone.  After the ambulances, fire trucks, police and eyewitnesses had all cleared, shaky behind the wheel, I continued on to the hospital.  I wasn't even late for my appointment.

Two weeks later I had my son two weeks early.  I was artificially-induced due to "pre-eclampsia," a fancy medical term for high blood pressure during pregnancy.  The doctors were so concerned with my stress levels and racing blood pressure that I could have had a life-ending seizure.  In addition, a portion of the placenta had detached and died and my son had stopped growing in utero.  He is now a very happy and healthy pre-toddler, I am happy to report.


In the months following the accident, the nice young constable that attended the scene arrived at my door, paperwork in hand.  He wore a long frown and a furrowed brow as he delivered the news to me that Crown had decided to pursue charges.  I think he was at that moment more devastated about the charges than I initially was.


Fast forward 10 months.  I decided to plead guilty to one charge of "driving with undue care and attention" and accepted ownership of the accident.  I will never know if the lady saw me coming or not, however the court reassured His Honour that it didn't matter; I entered the crosswalk when I shouldn't have.  Case closed.  Of course, the worst part of the hearing, all 10 minutes of it, were the glares I know that were being sent my way from the members of the family that were there.  The lady's daughter glared at me like I was the Grim Reaper in the flesh as she frostily told me who she was in the hallway.  As if I did any of this on purpose.  I watched Oprah the other day (oh, I know, I know), and she had a guest on that was the victim of a horrid crime.  She asked him if he would ever forgive the person that changed his life forever.  He said: "You can forgive someone for stealing your car.  You can forgive someone for slapping your face.  You can forgive someone for causing an accident.  To forgive pure evil however, is not appropriate."  (His wife and 2 daughters were brutally murdered in his home as he was left for dead in the basement.)  I secretly hope that the family will one day forgive me for causing the accident.  More so however, is that one day I hope to forgive myself.


-Lola